Saturday, August 14, 2010

another secret is,

i was molested or maybe raped by my own brother when i was young

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

I'm a girl with a lot of secrets about herself to confess.

I'm a girl with low self-esteem. i have no faith in myself in whatever things i do.
outsiders might think that I'm a fortunate girl with good grades, friends and a lot of admirers.
but they do not know the "real" me. what I'm acting in front of them is not the real me.
i may act like I'm happy, confident, but I'm not.

What are the reasons for my low self-esteem?

This might be because of my elder sister. she is a beautiful lady, so pretty that guys all go crazy over her. whiles I'm just a nobody. since young, I'm very skinny and tan. my skin condition is terrible, i will have rashes when i run too much. my skin color is of coffee color. whiles my sister, she has the most beautiful skin color that i ever seen, her luminous eyes that shine whenever she smiles. Her eyes were of sea colors and glistened with beauty. my eyes are black-coffee color, nothing special. she has all the beautiful features of my parents, while i only get all those ugly features. i got skin problems, dark skin from my dad. i got my bad language ability, gastric problems that always give me bloated stomach from my mum. see. my sister got all the good things and i got all the bad things. God is being unfair. i have never really believe in God. He does not help me so why should i believe in his existence?

now I'm older, somehow i become better looking. but i still couldn't compare myself to my sister. even though my studies might be better than hers. but studies is another problem to me. my sister was a very hardworking student, so hardworking until she got depression during her Olevels. we live in the same room, so eventually her depression affect my studies as well. i used to heck care about exams, tests. but because of my sister's influence, now i will get very anxious whenever exams and tests are coming. i will get insomnia during the exam period. my insomnia is so bad that i have to sleep at 6am every day during the exam period. for this, i blame my sister, although i never say it out. i feel that no one will understand my misery of staying up in the night, lying on the bed and thinking what would happen if i don't get enough sleep.

second reason for my low self-esteem is because of my figure. i used to be underweight, but after through some weight management, i'm now towards the upper average scale. i'm quite tall and big, but i got very small boobs. they are so small that A cup is too big for them. but i conceal my small breasts by wearing oversized bra. i'm wearing 38 A, even though my breasts are smaller than A cup. i have never tell other people about my small breasts. i'm very afraid that one day, someone will find out about this secret. i can even wear a shirt without bra and look perfectly normal. i feel so inferior about my breasts. i hate them! i do not wish for big breasts, i just want a pair of normal size breasts. oh, another thing about my breasts is that, they have hairs on them. i do not understand why, and i'm so scare to tell other people. i used to have boyfriends. i'm so scare that one day they might find out about my fake breasts size and feel disgusted that their girlfriend's breasts are even smaller than theirs'. i hate myself. i know there are many girls with small breasts but they are proud of them. however i'm not them. i have super low self-esteem. i cant stand wearing the correct bra size (maybe minus A cup) and walk in the street having people looking at me like i'm some small-breasts-freak.

with some of my secrets revealed, i feel so much better now.
this blog is meant for a girl who has a lot to say to say out her secrets.

house of secrets.